Nigerian 419, Pakistani Style Scam

Having been on the Internet for a long time one tends to receive a lot of junk mail, a lot does get caught in the netting via spam filtering but occasionally a few sneak through. Yesterday I was in receipt of such an email. A usual email that sneaks through these spam filters are the infamous Nigerian 419 Fraud emails which are also easy to recognize as they tempt entice the recipient with millions and billions of dollars in commissions fees in lieu for helping them these non-existent funds, the simple sight of millions does seriously tempt the faint heart with greed sweeping him into a dreamland of mouthwatering millions in spare change. If common sense is able to snap you out of this dream you wonder – Why Me?, of all the millions of people around the world why did he/she choose me to share this wealth.

I generally do not bother reading anything but a fleeting glance at the contents had slowly driven me to read the entire text. The sales pitch was truly unique, they even had the facts generally correct and had even implicated General Pervaiz Musharraf and discussed the PML-N (Pakistan Muslim League – Nawaz Group) within the contents of this email.

Here below I present you the latest series of Nigerian 419 scams but customized to entice any Pakistani, read the sales pitch, it quite believable and for the some fun I have taken the liberty of adding my own comments highlighted for ease of reading. This idea I took on after the hilarious post written by The Olive Ream @ Indecent Proposal

Dear Dr. Awab Alvi, [Goodness gracious he knows me by name]

My name is Owen Rovnoski from United Kingdom. [Englistan yeah yeah, me also Anglish] I am writing in respect to one of the Pakistani national here in UK who is on exile [Puhleze!!, tell me something new, everyone from Pakistan has pleaded for asylum and is living in the UK the most prominent one is Altaf Hussain and naturally lets not forget Langra Palhwan, Ashraf Bhai, Rajak Bhai, Bantoo TT etc etc, these days its cool to be in exile]. I am a legal practitioner and legal adviser to one of the former ministers in Pakistan National Assembly who belongs to one of the political parties (PML) N [yep they all need legal support to even draft a letter, are you sure you are not the PA masquerading as jamadar, bawarchi, peon and sometimes even as a legal advisor]. This fellow whom I am soliciting for is one of the prominent former ministers in Pakistan, he has advised me not to reveal his name until I am sure about you. [Oh, tell that fellow to come forth, quite literally everyone here in Pakistan has a secret Swiss account with the millions from ‘Rishwat’ stashed around somewhere, no Pakistani politician has ever felt embarrassed to have skimmed the his ‘Hukoomat’, by the way this money is his birth right once he gets elected on the seat]

I believe you know this story which happened in 1999 when the present President Musharraf took over power and control of every thing from the ruling government at that time. [you mean the coup… yeah we know that story you don’t need to elaborate and rub our wounds yet again!!!]

During that period he seized power and became president with the help of his military background, he dissolved the assembly which eventually made some ministers to travel out of the country for asylums . Consequently a lot of ministers in the government he took over power from ran away from Pakistan for safety, and as a result of that they were banned by government from coming back to Pakistan. [Oh! he let your ‘fellow’ walk away after the coup, how generous of Musharraf, count your blessings and be grateful you were not NAB’bed]. Though their various Bank accounts and properties were seized by the ruling president in Pakistan when he assumed office, but some of the ministers have secret Swiss account which the ruling government is not a wear of [Typo Alert!!! ‘A wear’ or did you mean ‘aware’ ?] [So you mean to say Musharraf seized all those account for himself, aha, interesting, would you have any proof as the ‘bichara CJP’ needs it desperately to NAB Musharraf]. One of the ministers who have such an account with Swiss bank happens to be my client[Halleluja, praise thy lord!! one lone account did survive the 1999 disaster]. He has confidentially told me that he wishes to finance his Political Party in the on-coming election that he wants to use the fund to mobilize and sponsor the party he belongs so that they Party can be victorious at the pool so as to enable him return back to his Country[Now what type of party would you like to host, R&B, Hip-Hop or just in-your-face dance the night away type of ‘disco’ party, before I start making those arrangements with Babar Ghori (who was the chief waiter of of Larosh catering) we must know if booze is on the house or will you prefer to keep it strictly BYOB?] [PS. please update Babar as soon as possible as freeloaders come in hordes to parties with free booze hence many people to welcome you back].

He has entrusted me with the responsibility to work on his behalf to negotiate with someone reliable who can assist him in transferring his money in his Swiss account back to Pakistan. [GOSH, Im honored that he chose me out of the 160 million people in Pakistan, *Im going all pink*] He can not use his name or relative’s names to transfer this money into Pakistan because of the present government that is still very much after him.He has instructed me to look for a reliable and trust worthy person whom he can trust, have confidence and believe in [Oh absolutely I have blind faith in you, heck, I believe you, you believe in the fellow, hence according to the simple mathematical equation if I trust you and you trust him then I trust him, simple, lets get working on this transaction]. My client is willing to compensate you with a reasonable percentage for this enormous task should you accept and agree to work this out with him in trust and confidentiality. With my vast financial knowledge of fund transfer of this magnitude, I can authoritatively assure you that there is a way we will handle it without breaching the Law and without the knowledge of the ruling Government that the money actually belong to one of the ministers in exile. You do not need to worry, everything will be carefully arranged and both parties will be legally protected.[No problem at all, as I said, I trust you, you trust him hence according to the mathematical equ….. you get what I mean]

Please do let me know if you could be of any assistance in transferring this fund in Swiss bank into Pakistan. If your answer is yes, we will have to work things out.[YES YES YES, oh damn, did I say that three times!!!!, aab tau hum donon key shadi ho gai hai, Nikahnama bhi sign karan paray ga] The necessary documentations, back up documents and details of this project will be given to you if my client approves to use you in moving out this fund from his Swiss account to Pakistan.[lets not forget the Nikahnama also] Please keep this confidential no matter your decision.

Thank you. Your earliest response is highly required and [is this a good enough response? please contact me ASAP]

Faithfully yours,[Me toooo….. Cross my heart, hope to die]
Mr. Owen Rovnoski, Esq. – email: owen_rovnoski@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom.