HUMOR: Job Vacancies in Swat

Guest Blog by Islamabad Observer

Emirate of Ameerul Momeneen
Sufi Muhammad, Khalifah-i-Awal, Sawat



pakistan-swat-talibanEmirate was founded and funded in September 2004 by various international intelligence agencies in Sawat and is recently recognized by National Assembly of Pakistan. Our group takes pride in our tradition of successfully delivering numerous projects of Suicide Bombing, School Demolitions, Public Flogging, Closure of Barber and Video Shops, Truck Bomb Attacks, Military Encounters and Gorilla Warfare.

We have a deep understanding of Terrorism industry dynamics, coupled with solid experience in applying emerging technologies like FM Radio, Wireless Communication and IED’s . Anchored on the premise of delivering practical, yet economical Terrorism solutions, our dedicated team of experienced Terrorists ensures that foreign interest are protected at all costs.

Our dynamic team consists of experienced professionals with extensive experience across multiple terrorism techniques. We are committed to helping our foreign clients solve strategic challenges and create opportunities to drive desired goals through Terrorism technology. We are proud to be strategic partners of USA, India, Saudi Arabia and several international intelligence agencies, and will continue to seek value added partnerships in our endeavor to sharpen our Terrorism focus.

As a responsible Terrorist organisation, Emirates is running various community developments and training project for under privileged children in fields of guerilla war, self exploding, use of weapons, taking over public building, speedy justice through public flogging and indiscriminate shooting. A large number of our trainees are successfully running their enterprises of kidnapping for ransom, bank robberies, and cash van lootings, roadside dacoits, vehicle theft, drug and arms smuggling and bomb blasts for foreign clients.

With our expansion plans in progress, we are seeking talented, creative, result-oriented, self-managed and proactive candidates to fill the following challenging and career-building position:

Qazi cum Flogging Experts


It is a full time multiple role responsibility, the successful candidates shall act as a Qazi/Justice during normal court hours and in after hours carry on flogging, beheadings and guerilla warfare duties as assigned by Ameerul Momeneen. They will report & assist Head Qazi to achieving the vision, mission, objectives & target set for punishments of poor helpless citizens by TNSM Shoora to create an environment of terror and fear. The successful candidates will order hanging of bodies with polls for any period as to their discretion, blowing up shrines, digging graves and punishing dead and alive without mercy. Sharia shall remain a major cover but any order of Shoora shall be treated as a law even if it is against teachings of Islam and Sharia,.


  • Candidate must have a certificate of training from Taliban recognized Madrassah or group backed by CIA/RAW.
  • No formal education or knowledge of law is required;
  • The candidate must have at least 10 years practical experience of terrorist activities in Afghanista, Pakistan or successfully undergone RAW’s training program;
  • Candidates with Experience in public flogging, beheading or punishing women in Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan will be given preference;
  • Candidates should be expert in use of light and heavy weapons, developing suicide jackets, IED, Truck bomb and conducting road blocks;
  • All candidate should demonstrate their willingness to abide by Taliban dress code and rituals;
  • Ability to implement laws of Emirates without application of mind and in disregard of Islamic teachings. The focus should be on maximum and harsh punishments to terrorize people, religion or humanity are not important

Selection Process:

  • Candidates should walk in for interview with their application written by hand on dry leaves or hides in head office of Emirate, applications written on paper shall not be considered;
  • Do not attach photo’s, applications with a photographs shall not be considered;
  • At time of interview candidate must cover face with black cloth or use medical mask dyed in black color;
  • Practical test includes demonstration of skills of live shooting, beheading and flogging, Emirates will provide living women and children for tests;
  • Weapons test includes an excellent speed of killing and accuracy of hitting girls schools with RPG’s. Half hour test will be carried live any city of Pakistan;
  • All candidates should demonstrate ability of assembling suicide jackets, IED and exploding bridges, cars and public buildings.

We Offer:

  • Free stay in a any house candidate wishes to occupy after killing or ejecting the residents;
  • A luxury stolen 4×4 with facility of free fuel from any gas station, successful candidates can also take away cash on gun point from gas stations;
  • This job is purely commission based, the successful candidates will get 20% commission from robberies or kidnapping for ransom assigned to them after ‘court’ hours;
  • All successful candidates will be allowed to choose any women in area for marriage, in case; women is already married, her husband should first be killed or forced to divorce her as required by Emirates law;
  • All successful candidates will be allowed to smuggle arms and drugs under protection of Emirate and will share 50% of revenue;
  • All successful candidates will be allowed to run part time business of stolen cars or smuggled electronics.
  • Best performing candidates will be assigned ‘overseas projects’ opportunities by Ameerul Momeneen as empire expands;
  • Top 100 performers of the year will be blessed with a ‘one way ticket to havens’ through suicide missions.
  • A comprehensive social security plan includes recruitment of suicide bomber’s or dead employee’s children in force and complementary marriage with his widow by a fellow terrorist.
  • All assignments for successful candidates are legal and covered under Nizam Adal Act passed by National Assembly of Pakistan and duly signed by President.

For further information contact;

Mullah Rockety;
Secretary Recruitments;
Emirate of Ameerul Momeneen Maulana Sufi Muhammad;
Khalifah-i-Awal Sawat.



, , , , ,



63 responses to “HUMOR: Job Vacancies in Swat”

  1. dr.jawwadkhan Avatar

    Danial Burki!

    kia Amir Mughal ke mureed hogay ho?

    this freaky idea belongs to amir mughal.

  2. Aamir Mughal Avatar

    Danial Burki!kia Amir Mughal ke mureed hogay ho?this freaky idea belongs to amir mughal.[Dr Jawwad Khan]


    Dear Jawwad Sahab,

    Please be careful while declaring me freaky, Poets and Poetry were despised in Quran. If I am freaky then what about these verses of Quran and Hadith:

    And We have not taught him (Muhammad) poetry, nor is it meet for him. This is naught else than a Reminder and a Lecture making plain, To warn whosoever liveth, and that the word may be fulfilled against the disbelievers. [Chapter 36 Verses 69-70 YA-SEEN (YA-SEEN)]

    "Shall I inform you upon whom the devils descend? They descend on every sinful, false one. They listen eagerly, but most of them are liars. As for poets, the erring follow them. Hast thou not seen how they stray in every valley, And how they say that which they do not? "[Verse 221-222-223- 224-225-226 Chapter 026 AL-SHUARA (THE POETS)]

    That it is indeed the speech of an illustrious messenger. It is not poet's speech – little is it that ye believe! Nor diviner's speech – little is it that ye remember! It is a revelation from the Lord of the Worlds. [Chapter 69 Verse 40-41-42-43 AL-HAAQQA (THE REALITY)]

    Narrated Ibn ‘Umar:

    The Prophet said, "It is better for a man to fill the inside of his body with pus than to fill it with

    poetry." [Muslim]

  3. dr.jawwadkhan Avatar

    yeh yeh yeh!

    i have read the conversation between you and @raja.


    can you believe this?

  4. reflection Avatar

    @Dr Jawwad.

    Aamir Mughal & Co

    pasand apni apni, khayyal apna apny

    Hazrat peer Noorani ko bhi paan ka bohat shauq tha,

    mushkil yun darpaish he keh, apni surat paan khane se

    pehlay paan par nazar ani chahieay, warna sub kuch

    Dubbaah he, Huzoor,

    Ye to Peeran-e-Burkian-o-Mughal ki hey barkaat !

    Dondhtey hein wo, band jo inkay dubbon mein he

    Khawarij aur mutazzalah ruju hon apnay Khudaon se,

    Kardia he jinko ko Kharaj, mutazzala honay ke baad

  5. reflection Avatar

    @ aamir Mughal,

    your hadith collection is based on many

    Hadith zaif

    Hadith muallaq

    Hadith munqat

    Hadith Mauzu

    Hadith Munkar

    Hadith Sh'az

    with due condolences !

  6. Danial Burki Avatar
    Danial Burki

    Dr Jawwad and reflection, a fellow Muslim of yours has just presented proof from the Quran that sha'iri is not allowed. Haha!

    I bet you're now going to tell me that you don't subscribe to the extreme views of Sura Yaseen! Or maybe reflection will say Sura Yaseen was written by an American agent!

    You guys are hilarious. I have no problems with poetry; I just wanted to let you devout Muslims know what your religion says about it. And Aamir Mughal has just provided a reference from your holy book!

  7. dr.jawwadkhan Avatar

    DAnial burki!

    please do not confuse by loads of refrences quran and hadith presented by @Amir Mughal.if you have read the whole discussion with @RAJA then you should not say like that if not please read it.

    this is the problem with aehl e hadith that they just pick the hadith and apply as it is.with out knwing the background,motive and implication according to Nabi e Kareem.

    simply i can put up that if poetry is haram then what about naat and hamd and manajat.

    naat which started in the life time of Rasool ullah(saww)

    and even wedding songs with "duff" a special kind of drum is also approved by Nabi e kareem(SAWW).

    @Amir Mughal have some agenda which is obvious from his posts.please rest assured that poetry is allowed in islam except the poetry which instigate the sex in men,also prohibited the vulgarity and obscenity in the poetry.

  8. Danial Burki Avatar
    Danial Burki

    It's great if Islam allows poetry; would be pointless to ban it. But are you saying that the Koranic references provided in the post above (I think from Sura Yasin and Sura Shuara) are wrong/false/inaccurate? It will have no impact on my beliefs, but I want to make sure what I'm talking about the next time I discuss Islam's views on poetry.

  9. fazal ahad Avatar
    fazal ahad

    Respected sir,

    It is stated with deep veneration and honor that i would like to join NGO at swat bass

    I hope you will give me a chance then i will send you my CV.

    With Best Regards.

    Fazal Ahad

  10. Hafiz Muhammad Najee Avatar
    Hafiz Muhammad Najee

    Dear Sir,

    i m a young man of 25 years old and wants to make the money. i have jobless person. i want job in this catogries. my qualification is B.A. So please accept my application and call me for a job.

    i will remain thankful to you.

    Haffiz Muhammad Najeeb

    Mobile No. 03136624210

  11. said hussain shah Avatar



    Requested latter for job or for help me,


    I am a homeopathic doctor and I am running a private clinic for the last ten 3 years I have 3 years experience in homeopathic.

    I have obtained various diplomas and degrees in homeopathic medicines.

    Details of these diplomas is mentioned in the certificates.

    My clinic was running very well for the last ten years. But the security condition in our region has worsened lot.

    And it has effected my business greatly. My clinic is always closed these days due to continuous shelling by the armed forces and the militants. Due to this continuous shelling and curfew in our area I am not able to run my clinic for almost eight months.

    My clinic was the only source of income for me my kids and my family. And now because of these worst conditions, we are in great trouble. We have no source of income, our kids do not go to school any more our hospitals are shattered, there is no electricity in our area for five months from the militants due to which we can not even leave our homes.

    Do to the above problems I request you to kindly settle me in any proffered job from me. Which could be according to my qualification and experience I can send u my qualification and experience proofs any time if demanded.

    I have great hopes from your organization and I request you to consider my case on priority please.

    With due respect it is stated that I have been working since long in the medical field.

    I have passed medical Assistant, dispenser and DHMS exams.

    I am so talented as I have offered services public level in my home and at NGOs level as well i.e. SAVE THE CHELDREN other NGOs.

    Now I am looking forward that you would give me an opportunity to serve your NGO.

    I will be waiting for your response.

    Your sincerely.





    TELL NBO: 0092 946 633868

    CELL NO: 0092 301 8044341/ 0092 346 9423760/ 00921 314 9918760

  12. Barkat Ali Avatar
    Barkat Ali

    Dear Sir,

    I am resident of district Swat.

    I am BSc civil engineer and completed my graduation in the year 1999 from UET Peshawar.

    I am been envolved the field of construction from the last 10 years.

    I have been worked as civil engineer in Saudi Arabia for three years.

    At the present time i am working with govt contractors on the project " Up Gradation of Saidu Hospital" in saidu sharif.

    Hoping for your reply.

    wishes and regards.

    Engineer Barkat Ali

  13. noor muhammad Avatar
    noor muhammad

    iam student fsc and hrat pesshind swat matta bodigram iwant a job so so plz help me and give me ajob my mobile number 03452770861