Interview with Mangal Bagh

Guest Blog by Faisal K. from Deadpanthoughts

Just who is Mangal Bagh Afridi a khurram agency bus driver turned religious zealot? Or a savvy implant by the ISI into this troubled sector to bring about a liberation of the locals from the foreign Taliban. According to noted history Mangal bagh came into being when Mufti Munir Shakir who had established a radio station in the Khurram agency for broadcasting his views over the airwaves handed over the torch to a young Mangal who then used this pirate radio station to become an overnight success and gathered thousands of followers around him hence forming the militant group Lashkar E Islam. He is a known media savvy militant and quite a character in giving statements. Below is a fictitious interview of Mr Bagh.

F.K: So why the name Mangal?

Mangal: Assallam O alikum wa rehma tullahe wa ba ra ka tu hu, I chose the name Mangal because of the way it sounds. It rolls off the tongue, you know brother I used to be a bus driver and heard many Indian songs while driving around bara, try it “Mangale Mangale Mangale Mangale ho”

F.K: what is the purpose of the “Lashkar E Islam?

Mangal: What is your purpose of coming here? Brother look at your face in the mirror you have forgotten how to smile, you know why? Because you let your women ride you like he goats and nod in silly discussions about the fate of the world when you can decide your destiny yourself, you are just a child.

F.K: Umm Mr Bagh that really does not answer my question?

Mangal: Ok then I will now disclose why I did what I did but you must not misquote me or I will make sure your innards are made into soup for the Lashkar. We came into existence because of what you people call “the ratings war”

F.K: I am not sure i understand you Mr Bagh?

Mangal: Off course you do not your ears are covered by the soot of music my brother you are an idiot who does not know he is an idiot yet. Let me explain, my leader the great sheikh Mufti Munir Shakir was having a tough time competing for the same audience as Saifur Rehman of the silly green flagged variety, they ran rival FM stations so we had to find a way to get the audience to listen and this is my way. It is like the war between Letterman and Leno except that here Leno got a little pissed and took my help to physically take control of Hollywood.

F.K: So this entire outfit, the kidnappings the violence is to maintain your Pirated FM radio ratings?

Mangal: Off course it is not, what sort of a madman are you brother you are indeed very dangerous. You are like those Talibani’s i refuse to join even on the invitation of Shiekh Osama to come and meet him in his casa in the Florida keys. We are carrying out the mission of Allah here.

F.K: You realize you just disclosed the location of the most wanted man on earth?

Mangal: Maybe to your hippy ears he is hidden, I the great emir hear many things, I hear those who look for him are the ones who have hidden him.

F.K: Mr Bagh would you concur then that your mission is different from the one that the Tehreek E Taliban is set on?

Mangal: It is totally different, although we oppose the American presence in Afghanistan we like the Taliban do not want to kill them, instead we only wish to make them all Muslims.

F.K: Err and what if they refuse to change their religion?

Mangal: It is then that we shall kidnap them behead them and broadcast their screams over radio. Do you know Brother our local women are not allowed to come out in our area in “Barra” but they respond most positively to screams on radio from their own houses. Off course we make sure that the sanctity of pardah is observed on air.

F.K: Pardah on air? this is a brand new invention Mr Bagh how do you manage this?

Mangal: It is very easy brother, what we cannot see we cannot fantasize about, when we have a particularly nicer sounding female in one of our various question answer sessions on air about marital problems and such we cut her off.

F.K: You mean you discriminate among your callers on the basis of how good they sound?

Mangal: No no no, this is the problem with your generation you do not listen to anything, are you wearing a mac t shirt brother? I bet you own an I poddie.

F.K: What does that have to do with anything?

Mangal: It is ruining you brother, throw away that silly little thing full of non conforming music and listen to the voice of reason. Get a transistor radio and you will find a new world out there. We have now 12 radio stations in FATA and very soon we will be branching out to Karachi.

F.K: Mr Bagh how do you get the funds to manage these stations or buy their equipment?

Mangal: This is a sensitive issue, we are the warriors of Allah, he makes sure we are cared for

F.K: The world would like to know what you want from them? We Pakistanis are quite sick of all the violence going on in FATA and want to end things through any way possible, what do you suggest?

Mangal: First make sure all your women are indoors, then make sure they have nothing to do or watch, then make sure their is a radio in your home so that they can hear the “Grand Emir”and surely then Allah will grant us peace.